Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
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Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.