I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
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Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.