Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
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My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
No, he would not have.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
So we got a goldfish…
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…