Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
You Might Also Like
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Rather alarming headline…
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?