[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
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Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover