My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
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Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out