Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
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There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Seems kinda suspicious
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄