really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
You Might Also Like
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
#MeanwhileinCanada
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.