The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
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Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.