Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
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If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.