I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
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The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.