90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
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Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Them: You should try keto
Me: