Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
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Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
dutch is not a serious language
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.