My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
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Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me