Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
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<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*