Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
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Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it