Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
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No Google it does not
I created you as mosquito food.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.