mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
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If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I triple waxed for this?
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
“TGIM!” – My liver