Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
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[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
That earthquake could have been an email.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I’d rather fork than spoon.