[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
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Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]