“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
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“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
President The Rock Obama
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics