Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
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Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
What the hell happened in there??
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.