If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
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Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.