Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
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Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
superman landing like a plane on his belly
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.