I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old