God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
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my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
#NeverForget
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is