My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
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The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.