*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
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If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
waiting for halloween be like:
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper