ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
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It’s a gift
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
cry laughing at this shit
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.