Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
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When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I bet birds love this building.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut