Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
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I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
same bro
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.