i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
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Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
You saw nothing. I am ham.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
worst…sale…ever
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.