[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
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My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Anyone really
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.