“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
You Might Also Like
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Raisins are grape jerky.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.