I feel seen
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When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.