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*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line