put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
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Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Breaking news:
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.