“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
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Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Auto correct is my worst enema.
groan^2
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
The asteroid..
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.