*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
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You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
me linking you to my twitter