Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
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Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.