Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
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Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I will never stop laughing at this
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.