Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
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I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
thank god
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
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