My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
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Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
i think both sides are to blame here
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life