[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
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[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager