I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Sheep
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend