I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
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I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”