This week’s mood.
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Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.