Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
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You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle