DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
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*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.