a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
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dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.